I hate drinking…well that’s not entirely true, I love drinking! there’s nothing better than going out on the town with your friends and consuming so much alcohol it defies medical science how you are still alive, all the while passive-aggressively staring out of your tight knit group of friends at all the girls wearing less material than is used to make a singular tube sock, knowing full well you’ll never talk to them anyway as you’re spending the majority of your time loudly talking to your friends about stuff like how much you either love or hate the latest game release, or the last time you were so drunk you mistook your cat for a urinal and various other topics which women find so attractive, but anyway I digress. The thing I hate about drinking is the hangovers. I used to think that the cause for the hangovers was sleep, that as soon as your head touched the pillow and your eyes closed into sleep, a large man paid for by the alcohol companies creeps into your house and spends the remainder of the night punching you in the head and pouring cat litter in your mouth. I know that’s not true any more as my capacity to drink has got to the point where im waking up in the morning fresh and fine and ready to start the day in a good mood, only to be knocked clean on my arse, at about lunchtime, by a headache that feels as though I’ve just had a brain haemorrhage. now this leaves me in a bit of a predicament as not only has my large man punching you while you sleep theory been disproven but I’ve just realised that I’ve spent the majority of the morning still drunk! I even drove my car during that time! God knows what would have happened if id been pulled over by the oh so vigilant police! “Ah, you seem to have failed the breathalyser test” “Really? but I haven’t had a drink since last night!” “How much did you drink last night?” “Hmmmm, well about 4 bottles of Rum, but I’m not entirely sure as I cant remember past the 14 Jägerbombs” “Step out of the car please Sir”.
Another thing I cant stand with hangovers is how you get a different type of hangover depending on what alcohol you drink! As if your brain has a filing system “Hmm, I’ll take a shot of debilitating headache, followed by a pint of face down in the toilet”. For example, I can drink a bottle of Eristoff Black and be pretty much ok…slight headache but otherwise fine, however if I have a glass of Jack Daniels…different story! Now I love Jack but Jack doesn’t like me! If I have two glasses of it I can pretty much write off the following day to spending the morning in bed sounding like a Cow in labor and the afternoon shuffling around my house looking and sounding like a zombie. How does that work? Why is it one rule for one drink and one rule for another? My brain should man the fuck up and take its hangovers like a boss, or suffer its punishment regardless of the alcohol consumed!
And its not just me who suffers when I have a hangover, as you’ve probably guessed, I like to have a good old moan, and no one suffers more when I’m hungover than the people around me. Yes I know its self inflicted, yes I know I’m not getting any sympathy from you, guess what, I don’t want any but I’m still going to moan about it when my head feels like I’ve been kicked in the teeth. Right, I’m off to get drunk and do it all again!