Now I’m in the process of sorting my house out ready to pack up and move, and I cant readily do this in complete silence as my best friend moved out a few months ago and has left me devoid of something entertaining to listen to, so I decided for the first time in a long time to switch on the dusty telly box and put on the music channels…oh good lord what have I done!
Now I am aware that ragging on the dire state of Music Television in a blog is like flogging a dead horse with another dead horse but (cue cliché) this is my blog and I’ll write what I want!
Being a metal-head I decided to settle for something heavy to sooth and relax me as I bounce around the house like a roided up Millwall supporter trying to head-butt everything, but this being Virgin Media there was nothing except Kerrang TV and Kerrang TV has not had anything resembling Metal on it since James Hetfield had hair. but I will refrain from harping on about the problems with Kerrang TV for now, save it for another blog and instead move onto the biggest culprit of false advertising, MTV.
MTV stands for Music Television, a fact that has been missed by the producers for many a long year, leading me to believe that the entire production team of MTV are a bunch of illiterate fuckwits that somehow think that the word “Music” means “shows about washed up celebrities living their boring miserable lives, mocked up situations between air-headed, self absorbed tits living off daddy’s trust fund and pregnant teenagers” and not “things that bands and recording artists make for a living”.
I mean back when Beavis and Butthead were on MTV we still got all the toilet humour and comedy violence that we get from Jackass and all the other shows of that kind, albeit in a cartoon format, but at least they showcased music during the show and it was usually heavy as shit! Now you’ll be able to find more music being showcased in the depths of space! I’m sure they have satellites floating round out there playing recordings of Earth music, which is more than MTV has.
It wouldnt be so bad if the content of the shows wasnt absolute utter dogshit! A prime example being “My Super Sweet Sixteen”. Never have I been more angry than when I first saw this show, if you have not seen it then I envy you greatly, imagine if you will a reality show that follows an American teenage girl (or incredibly camp, more than likely gay boy) whos parents are multi-trillionaires and insist on bowing to the every whim of their pre-pubescent demon offspring as if every little tantrum could trigger global apocalypse. Then it documents the preparations of the Satan-child’s birthday party which usually involves outlandish requests such as inviting the entire teenage population of the State they happen to live in, the inexplicable booking of an A-list celebrity and the hiring of a venue the size of Wembley Stadium all so they can show to their “friends” and peers how much richer their parents are thus alienating themselves from said “friends” and peers (I use quotation marks on friends because I find it rather difficult to believe these obnoxious little shits have any idea what its like to have true friends and only have people who follow them blindly either because they have equally rich parents or their house is so much cooler). Of course all these requests are followed to the letter by the bitch parents, usually without question, who for some reason would rather throw obscene amounts of money at A-list celebrities to show up at their brats party for 10 minutes, feign an interest in them and give them a false sense of importance that every spoilt little fuck seems to have, rather than say no and put up with a few hours of screaming. It wouldnt be a reality show without a little bit of drama and in this instance the drama is provided in 3 ways: 1) Someone who was not invited, possibly due to not being pretty or rich enough, somehow manages to get into the party followed by many minutes of low angled footage of a flustered teenager running through the party looking for the culprit like a scene out of a spy movie. 2) The inexplicable anger, tantrums and shouts of “my party is ruined!” when the over-privileged twat doesn’t get the specific model of brand new Mercedes she/he asked for, or the certain A-Lister doesn’t show up due to scheduling issues or more than likely they couldn’t give a flying ballsack about them! or 3) a combination of the two. The baffling thing about all of this is that with all these garish displays of “look at me! I can sponge off my parents!” one would think that all of the normal human beings who come into contact with these parasites would look upon them in disgust and hopefully violence but no! At the end of it all of the other kids are praising them like some kind of God! As if the fact that they were invited to the party somehow gave meaning to their otherwise mundane, middle-class suburban existence.
Rest assured im not going to go into more scathing detail about any of the other shows on MTV because that would be too painful even for me, But for a good idea of what to expect take the devil spawn from My Super Sweet Sixteen, fast forward them about 10 years but keep their maturity levels at age 12 and put them in various “reality” situations that are blatantly scripted and painfully acted and watch the ratings pile up. others include “16 and pregnant” a show that does what it says on the tin, girl of 16 gets pregnant, hilarity ensues…well hilarity for me anyway, I always find it funny watching an 8 month pregnant girl shouting at her idiot boyfriend about being more responsible because he’s about to be a father! He’s still in high school! He doesn’t even know what he’s going to do for a living yet and if he was more responsible he wouldn’t be in this mess! This show only serves to give idiot teenagers a fleeting moment at celebrity by getting up the duff and for that reason, in my eyes, its a massive advert for Pro-Choice…and mass sterilization.
Then finally you have the celebrity reality shows that follow around obscure “celebrities” that have been so far removed from the public conciousness that they could be declared legally dead, and Jackass and all its clones showing you all the crazy stunts, idiocy and poo that inevitably comes with giving idiots a camera, some alcohol and a fuck-ton of money.
So in summary then if during the past 10 years anyone has noticed anything resembling music on MTV then I’ll retract most of the above opinions but until then MTV and all its producers can fuck off and die in a large fire.
abitmiffed 